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Author Topic: i wrote this and would really appreciate your input  (Read 295 times)
HomicidalBoat
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« on: July 25, 2009, 05:42:38 PM »

my heart swells with joy, a word thought once forgot
the pain i feel, a thousand nives seems like not a lot
i try and try and try again to mend my broken heart
if i give you the shatered pieces, maybe then it may start
either way the love had gone and left my body cold
this story is one that i have never told
her hair was long, she was my first and thats what pulled me in
then things started hapening that made my whole world spin
life was great and things went well but soon i lost my cool
but worst of all what killed my life was when i lost my jewl
5 times worse repeted pain and thats when i turned away
and take whats mine for all it is,love could not stay.

my eyes turned to a close friend feeling alone and cold
and on that day love was found and thats when things unfold
once again the life came back and my heart did start to beat
but like before it was not long before i felt defeate
my eyes grew sore and chest did ache but i knew i was strong
i tried to get attention by writing stupid songs
but the girl who's heart i stole came first to me in thongs.
her hair was up the sunset shon and thats what made my day
but the love i truely felt had been put away

no more songs, no more jokes or staying up all the night
my entire life to lose all love left without a fight
but deep inside behind fake smiles my lips still long for one
the one i feel i truely love is what can make this love undone
and so sums up my pointless tale that none shall ever read
and if you do my life has become consumed by power and greed
not my own but the heart i hold in cold open and hands
for on the beach she feel in love and my heart lost in the sands.

the saga continues, as my heart does break and i hurt the one i love
i fear the worst as, i hurt the girl, who blessed me from above
her smile so sweet and her hugs are great, transformation to what i hate
the lying lovers and hidden lust felt from times pass
it is my time to demonstrate the girl had loved an ass
i still feel pain and progress with life and things aren't so bad
as events occur that change my life, for that i am very glad
as i move forward to greater love and fear who's left behind
my life will shake and ache for years and clear my clouded mind

i've felt her touch once before she was once the one i had
her love for me hidden once  but thought she was going mad
been by my side, a friend i love, whom i took in vain
it was my love for others that had caused her pain
the truth was told love in gold, seems truth did set me free
i feel i scare this girl alot with what i said to be
songs once more, a joke or two, in the midst of late night chat
of all the world i swear there is nothing greater then that.

this story grows with my life and now im just a teen
what future hold is still unknown and all is left unseen
but for now i stop and wait for fun and enjoy the time i can
i will write again when i fell the need sincerly just a man
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« Reply #1 on: July 25, 2009, 05:58:23 PM »

I think your work is really good.  There was at least one spot where I saw a typo, like nife should be knife.

If you really are in your teens I am very impressed.  You are still very young.  It was fairly long and I can tell that you put a lot of thought into it.

I think that everyone should have some sort of creative outlet.  Mine is drawing.

Thanks again for sharing your work with us, and I hope others give you some better feedback.

Just remember, there are plenty of FISH / WOMEN in the sea.  It is better to have loved and lost, as opposed to have never loved at all.

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